well it's certainly been a while!

I can't believe that it is August already, haven't been on here in God knows how long. The last year has been weird to say the least and I am the first to admit that I haven't dealt with it at all well. I was diagnosed with depression and apart from my family there are people that won't believe this at all, as on the outside I seem such a happy go lucky person. I usually am quite upbeat but after years of struggling to keep myself upbeat and afloat the cracks began to appear. 

At first I went into my shell and stopped communicating, then as things got worse I started to try and escape by making stupid choices and burying my head in the sand. I'm still not doing very well and things have gradually got worse over the last year. I keep thinking that eventually I will turn a corner, eventually I will get up one morning and I will be back to my happy self, however I am starting to realise that this is not the case. I have no magic wand I have no quick fix and maybe it is time I started to realise that it's ok to feel like I do. 

An to know that no matter what happens that I will cope and that the only thing that can make this situation any better is me. The only way I am going to be able to do this is by taking my head from beneath the sand and just start to do something to try and improve where I am at. 

I have realised over the past month or two that by doing nothing, my net gain is nothing. By doing something, any gain is better than where I currently am. I'm not sure if all this waffling is making any sense but I feel better for just the action of writing it. The other thing I wanted to do while on here was to apologise to my family who are always there for me but I know over the past few months have felt useless to help and I just want to tell them, by always being there for me you have helped!

Comments

  1. Melanie, I've been where you are and totally know how you feel.
    Sending you big hugs and sparkles and thanks to your family for their support.
    Sue xx

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  2. It doesn't feel that way - I get so utterly irritated that I can't do more, but through your learning curves I've learned that you have to come through this on your own, it's no good trying to move you forward faster than you are able to cope with, you have to be where you are and work your way through it, until you get to the other side and along the way we will keep our hands outstretched for when you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry or someone to catch you when you fall!

    Hopefully you will always know that we are always here for you - even when you make some amazingly crazy judgements - keep on pushing - that's how you can get through this and back out the other side!

    You are a truly amazing person who has a great outer shell, but for those who know the real Melanie we know how utterly fragile you actually are, don't be afraid to be you, fragile and all - it's what makes you who you are and that is something that nobody should apologise for!

    Hugs as always big sis!

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