Anyone who gets easily upset don't read this blog it's a little depressing, apologies!
Well I received my decree absolute through the post, I knew it was coming, I knew that it was well over due to happen but when I read that letter I'll be honest first thing I did was cry. I told myself to stop being silly I told everyone it was just because I knew my daughter would feel emotional about it. However, I was also a little sad for myself. The worse thing is at the end you can't help but look at the beginning. He was my first boyfriend, he was my best friend and we were very happy, sometimes, but often we weren't we were so young and trying so hard. But financially we were always counting the pennie's and there were never enough and so rather than working together we started to resent each other. Eventually we had both had enough and we split very amicably 5 years ago.
This morning when I received the letter, I first beat myself up emotionally telling myself I should have tried harder not given up so easily. Then I started to wonder what my life over the last 5 years would have been liked had we have stayed together. I don't honestly know what it would have been like and even though I have had some brilliant life experiences there have also been so rubbish one's that if I had been with him would possibly never occurred. However the main reason we separated was for the love of our daughter, as a younger child my home life wasn't easy living with a father who was by trade a plasterer in Margaret Thatcher's Britain. He was constantly out of work we were very poor and the stress of all this had an effect on my parent's marriage. I decided I didn't want my daughter growing up in a household with parent's arguing and being stressed. So I did what had to be done but now I wonder whether this alternative is better, her having to split her time between me and her dad. Watching as her dad meets someone else and now having a little brother or sister coming along.
I don't know any of the answers and I truly did what I felt was right at the time but hind sight is both brilliant and a curse. I could sit around and feel sad and let this get me down but at the end of the day it won't change anything it won't alter the past so instead I choose to drink my coffee, then go and fill a skip! Yes that's right I did say fill a skip, mum decides to get started sorting her garden and we wake up to snow lmao!
I am determined to make the best out of what I have, this is my life I only have the one and so I have to make it count, I can not change the past but I can change the future and that gets me excited I have my health I have a wonderful family who are all shortly going to descend donning waterproof clothing to try and cheer me up, by also cleaning some things from the back of my house so I can start sorting my garden too!
So apologies if I have depressed anyone, wasn't my intention, honest but if anything I feel better I have had my rant I have chased my tail for a bit now is the time to go and catch a mouse! I'm not entirely sure if this simile works but it's all I have right now!