Anyone who gets easily upset don't read this blog it's a little depressing, apologies!
Well I received my decree absolute through the post, I knew it was coming, I knew that it was well over due to happen but when I read that letter I'll be honest first thing I did was cry. I told myself to stop being silly I told everyone it was just because I knew my daughter would feel emotional about it. However, I was also a little sad for myself. The worse thing is at the end you can't help but look at the beginning. He was my first boyfriend, he was my best friend and we were very happy, sometimes, but often we weren't we were so young and trying so hard. But financially we were always counting the pennie's and there were never enough and so rather than working together we started to resent each other. Eventually we had both had enough and we split very amicably 5 years ago.
This morning when I received the letter, I first beat myself up emotionally telling myself I should have tried harder not given up so easily. Then I started to wonder what my life over the last 5 years would have been liked had we have stayed together. I don't honestly know what it would have been like and even though I have had some brilliant life experiences there have also been so rubbish one's that if I had been with him would possibly never occurred. However the main reason we separated was for the love of our daughter, as a younger child my home life wasn't easy living with a father who was by trade a plasterer in Margaret Thatcher's Britain. He was constantly out of work we were very poor and the stress of all this had an effect on my parent's marriage. I decided I didn't want my daughter growing up in a household with parent's arguing and being stressed. So I did what had to be done but now I wonder whether this alternative is better, her having to split her time between me and her dad. Watching as her dad meets someone else and now having a little brother or sister coming along.
I don't know any of the answers and I truly did what I felt was right at the time but hind sight is both brilliant and a curse. I could sit around and feel sad and let this get me down but at the end of the day it won't change anything it won't alter the past so instead I choose to drink my coffee, then go and fill a skip! Yes that's right I did say fill a skip, mum decides to get started sorting her garden and we wake up to snow lmao!
I am determined to make the best out of what I have, this is my life I only have the one and so I have to make it count, I can not change the past but I can change the future and that gets me excited I have my health I have a wonderful family who are all shortly going to descend donning waterproof clothing to try and cheer me up, by also cleaning some things from the back of my house so I can start sorting my garden too!
So apologies if I have depressed anyone, wasn't my intention, honest but if anything I feel better I have had my rant I have chased my tail for a bit now is the time to go and catch a mouse! I'm not entirely sure if this simile works but it's all I have right now!
xttfnx
Ah bless - well this is the third time I've cried today - not sure it will be the last! It's the end of a Chapter, a Chapter whose last page you've been on for some time. The problem with what would've and what could've means you paint a rosey picture of an ideal that wouldn't have happened and if you are truly honest you know this! The last five years have been a roller coaster - but they have been your life and through the good and the bad you have learned so much about who you are and what you want. I wish I could have taken away some of the pain that you've suffered and prevented some of the issues that you've had to cope with but they are part of your path and in essence have made you a stronger person, more defined in your purpose and your goal! You are an amazing person, you shine brighter than the brightest star in the sky - you don't accept second best and won't be told that you can't do something - when you set your mind to it you can achieve anything! You're bubbly outgoing personality is amazing and I love you to bits - don't ever stop being you and never ever accept second best you deserve the world! Now the Chapter is closed you face a brand new page that has nothing written on it, this is your time to make the page yours and yours alone, make the right choices and you can succeed. Close the Chapter on the last five year too start that clean fresh page and reach for the stars, believe in yourself and your daughter and just relax a little!
ReplyDeleteSending you all our love today
Virginia, Craig and Malachite
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Rant = release. Mel, like most of us, you've got some baggage, some questions, some hurts and no answers! Life happens and 5 years down the road we look back and wonder 'what if'...
ReplyDeleteI hope sharing your journey here helps you process it all and I hope keeping busy with your family today has helped too. You're an amazing woman. x
((( hugs))) Mel x I think what you have done - reflecting back on the past - is a perfectly normal reaction. We dont arrive with a handbook and we just have to do the best we can. By the sounds of it you and your Ex are wonderful parents - maybe not suited to each other but certainly the best folks for your lovely daughter who will grow up loved and cared about. I know you have a wonderful loving family - I hope their hugs and love and a little from Cyberland help you over the days you feel sad. You are wonderful, special and very caring be kind to yourself xxx Janet x
ReplyDeleteI feel for you Melanie - I can't imagine what you're going through but please believe that you have people here for you, cheering you on and willing to listen (or read in my case) if you need to rant.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of hugs xx
I got sad when I read this but knew I would but you have always had to make your own way in this world ,you where and always will be my tiny beautiful butterfly. Who cares too much and hurts so badly when things go wrong but apart from all that you have come a long way from your time as a married lady and think he is still out there your Prince Charming and one day when you are not looking you will find this person, he will love you for who you are and he won't try to change you or make you into something you are not. Only then will you be yourself a wonderful caring human being who has a million and one star qualities who will then know your true worth . I am biased of course as I am your Mum x
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